Never in my life did I think I would have to attend the funeral of a child. Never ever in all of my being did I ever think I would have to attend the funeral of a baby. Now in the same year I have done both.
The death of Oliver haunted me in such a way that the passing of Logan seemed to be the worse kind of nightmare imaginable--like all my fears had manifested itself into reality. I can't even go into detail because even now, 3 months after Logan the heavy dark clouds continue to choke me.
The worst part is people asking me what's wrong or why I'm sad. In fact, less than a week later people were asking me what is wrong. Yet that is the question I have for everyone else. What is wrong with you? How could you think that I'm okay. Who in the world can heal that quickly?
Oliver was not my family. But it is amazing how much love I have and had for the kids from work. His family and I clicked so well. He was the same size as Eli and I am certain if they ever had had the opportunity to meet they would have been great friends.
Brandon is in fact one of my closets family members. The love he had/has for Logan was beyond anything you normally see. My cousin is a kind person who put of walls and a persona for years as being a hard ass. But his love for his son was so very gentle.
The world is cruel.
But as the end of 2017 approaching I still want to think positively. I really hope and pray for the girls from Oliver's family. I care for them so much. The oldest reminds me of my 12 year old self and I hope she finds great friendships in her life.
This year has been very weird too. As I have found what I can only describe as love, it baffles me and stresses me out too. I don't know how proper relationships work. I don't know how to share anything and everything with someone with complete trust and understanding. I've gone through so many years waiting for hurt and pain to be inflicted on me by people that trust was and is truly a recipe from scratch. But the love in my life has really helped me carry on when I felt that even physically my heart was completely broken.
I've lost dad, Cat, Toto, Grandma, Oliver and Logan. The list of my pains continue to grow. But even through the heart ache my blessings climb as well. Baby sister fills my heart with so much joy. Jamian's smile warms me up. Zack's hugs hold me together. All of my friends, my family, and my friends who have become family keep me strong in my weakest of moments. I just have to continue to reminds myself of this through all the tears.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Sunday, April 26, 2015
I don't give a bother!
Except I do.
It's annoying how much I do.
Lately, in the midst of my sadness, things have been bothering me even more so than they normally would. What do you mean by what you said? Why is this person not answering me? Why was I not invited to such and such? Anything and everything has got me thinking in the worst ways, leaving me feelings wretched and worthless. I usually filter myself some, but I'm going to let most of it out for this blog post...
I've had my fair share of encounters with people whom I deemed to be "overly sensitive". I've got to tell you, most of these I left feeling annoyed and frustrated with said persons. So that is exactly what I do not want to be. But everything lately has been hitting me so much on a personal level that it takes so much of me not to react negatively towards whomever is making me feel that way, in fear of coming across as an overly sensitive person myself. But what do you do when your own thoughts and logic are at fault? How do you reason with yourself, when you are being unreasonable?
The fact that I'm even calling myself unreasonable isn't something that I entirely believe. But if I repeat it to myself, I hope that I will soon find the error in my own ways...it's really hard. But that's why I'm here, So take the thoughts out of my head, in hopes that it will help me organize my own brain.
If my feelings aren't hurt then I'm just pissed off. Which I guess is just a different way someone hurts your feelings...I don't know. Is making someone anything but happy hurting their feelings? Probably.
The first thing is what people say to me and how they say it. There was an instance not too long ago where someone said something to me, and while I don't *think* they were trying to be mean (I honestly don't know though) my initial reaction was "wow, okay, fuck you."
The worst part about when I feel that way is it becomes a "fuck all of you!" attitude and I convince myself that I truly hate everyone and that I want to go die a dark hole somewhere. Not even in a sad-pitiful-I'm-so lonely-lemme-go-die-somewhere. It's more like a middle-finger-raised-crash-my-car-into-a-ditch-die-somewhere. I know, I'm totally healthy right?
But then when I'm in such a mood I think of my family. Now don't get me wrong, my family pisses me off too--especially my mother. But it's different with them. I don't have so much of an F you attitude, and I just get angry and sulk some and hit something and then I'm okay. But when I'm mad at others, and I think of my family, I think of how I don't hate *THEM* and just want to move someone tropical far away from the rest of society and just be with them alone. I guess it all goes back to the feelings of thinking that my family are the only ones who love me, which is a struggle I still face on the regular. More regular than I'd like.
Another thing that bothers me is being ignored. I loathe when people ignore me. Not that I want to be the center of attention, because I hate that too. But no, if I say something at least acknowledge my presents and we're good. But pretending I don't exists pisses me off to no end. Okay, it usually just upsets me but since I'm slightly angry right now pissed off is the first emotion that comes to mind.
Here's when I think it's slightly stupid though--if I post something on a group chat and literally everyone talks around it. I don't mean I post a picture or something (though I don't really like that either but I can shrug it off) but if I have a question or make a statement or say SOMETHING which needs a response and no one does. That makes me think that no one cares about what I have to say and that I might as well say nothing at all.
This works in person as well. I say something and my voice gets lost in a room or goes one ear and out the other. Are you serious??? How could you have not heard what I said. Now THIS pisses me off.
Being at the bottom of someones priorities is one of the worst things ever. Now, yes somethings are much more important than others. For example, I was having a party for a friend, and someone could not make it because their grandmother was ill. Of course your grandmother is going to take priority over a silly party! She's family, she's someone who can't be replaced and it was a serious matter. I have absolutely no issue with that as I would have done the same. But then there are people who ditch you for other friends, even when you've had plans first with them. To me that shows me exactly how much I mean to you: nothing. Just see if I will ever make plans with you again.
This is something that's slightly pissing me off right now. I won't go into it, but if you potentially aren't going to see someone for a long time shouldn't that person have a least some priority over people you see literally all the time? If not, then you don't care for that person and don't deserve a chance to even see them.
Someone I know (whom I can't call a friend at the moment because I'm not sure) chose to do a mundane task that they literally do every day over a opportunity that won't ever happen again. Seriously? That means that friendship literally means nothing to you. I know again I'm being vague about this but this was about a week ago and I'm still astonished about this whole ordeal. I'm just...how? How could you not care about your friends that much? There is literally no excuse.
There is still so much I want to rant about but I don't even know where to begin. I guess life just shows you who your true friends are...this last situation showed me that. But then it brings me to situations where I don't even know if I'm being overly sensitive (I DO NOT think I'm being overly sensitive about that last one) or not. Some things--like the way people say things to me--I think afterwards. Okay, maybe they didn't mean it that way or whatever. But then I convince myself that I have no friends and no one there for me and I will die alone in an angry death. But that's not logical either. *Sigh* I don't know.
I need someone to listen to each situation I fuss over and tell me if I'm being overly sensitive. But sometimes such a person would piss me off too. Some things outsiders do not understand, like why exactly something pisses me off and if they were to tell me I was being over sensitive it would only piss me off even more. I don't know what I need. Drugs, probably.
It's annoying how much I do.
Lately, in the midst of my sadness, things have been bothering me even more so than they normally would. What do you mean by what you said? Why is this person not answering me? Why was I not invited to such and such? Anything and everything has got me thinking in the worst ways, leaving me feelings wretched and worthless. I usually filter myself some, but I'm going to let most of it out for this blog post...
I've had my fair share of encounters with people whom I deemed to be "overly sensitive". I've got to tell you, most of these I left feeling annoyed and frustrated with said persons. So that is exactly what I do not want to be. But everything lately has been hitting me so much on a personal level that it takes so much of me not to react negatively towards whomever is making me feel that way, in fear of coming across as an overly sensitive person myself. But what do you do when your own thoughts and logic are at fault? How do you reason with yourself, when you are being unreasonable?
The fact that I'm even calling myself unreasonable isn't something that I entirely believe. But if I repeat it to myself, I hope that I will soon find the error in my own ways...it's really hard. But that's why I'm here, So take the thoughts out of my head, in hopes that it will help me organize my own brain.
If my feelings aren't hurt then I'm just pissed off. Which I guess is just a different way someone hurts your feelings...I don't know. Is making someone anything but happy hurting their feelings? Probably.
The first thing is what people say to me and how they say it. There was an instance not too long ago where someone said something to me, and while I don't *think* they were trying to be mean (I honestly don't know though) my initial reaction was "wow, okay, fuck you."
The worst part about when I feel that way is it becomes a "fuck all of you!" attitude and I convince myself that I truly hate everyone and that I want to go die a dark hole somewhere. Not even in a sad-pitiful-I'm-so lonely-lemme-go-die-somewhere. It's more like a middle-finger-raised-crash-my-car-into-a-ditch-die-somewhere. I know, I'm totally healthy right?
But then when I'm in such a mood I think of my family. Now don't get me wrong, my family pisses me off too--especially my mother. But it's different with them. I don't have so much of an F you attitude, and I just get angry and sulk some and hit something and then I'm okay. But when I'm mad at others, and I think of my family, I think of how I don't hate *THEM* and just want to move someone tropical far away from the rest of society and just be with them alone. I guess it all goes back to the feelings of thinking that my family are the only ones who love me, which is a struggle I still face on the regular. More regular than I'd like.
Another thing that bothers me is being ignored. I loathe when people ignore me. Not that I want to be the center of attention, because I hate that too. But no, if I say something at least acknowledge my presents and we're good. But pretending I don't exists pisses me off to no end. Okay, it usually just upsets me but since I'm slightly angry right now pissed off is the first emotion that comes to mind.
Here's when I think it's slightly stupid though--if I post something on a group chat and literally everyone talks around it. I don't mean I post a picture or something (though I don't really like that either but I can shrug it off) but if I have a question or make a statement or say SOMETHING which needs a response and no one does. That makes me think that no one cares about what I have to say and that I might as well say nothing at all.
This works in person as well. I say something and my voice gets lost in a room or goes one ear and out the other. Are you serious??? How could you have not heard what I said. Now THIS pisses me off.
Being at the bottom of someones priorities is one of the worst things ever. Now, yes somethings are much more important than others. For example, I was having a party for a friend, and someone could not make it because their grandmother was ill. Of course your grandmother is going to take priority over a silly party! She's family, she's someone who can't be replaced and it was a serious matter. I have absolutely no issue with that as I would have done the same. But then there are people who ditch you for other friends, even when you've had plans first with them. To me that shows me exactly how much I mean to you: nothing. Just see if I will ever make plans with you again.
This is something that's slightly pissing me off right now. I won't go into it, but if you potentially aren't going to see someone for a long time shouldn't that person have a least some priority over people you see literally all the time? If not, then you don't care for that person and don't deserve a chance to even see them.
Someone I know (whom I can't call a friend at the moment because I'm not sure) chose to do a mundane task that they literally do every day over a opportunity that won't ever happen again. Seriously? That means that friendship literally means nothing to you. I know again I'm being vague about this but this was about a week ago and I'm still astonished about this whole ordeal. I'm just...how? How could you not care about your friends that much? There is literally no excuse.
There is still so much I want to rant about but I don't even know where to begin. I guess life just shows you who your true friends are...this last situation showed me that. But then it brings me to situations where I don't even know if I'm being overly sensitive (I DO NOT think I'm being overly sensitive about that last one) or not. Some things--like the way people say things to me--I think afterwards. Okay, maybe they didn't mean it that way or whatever. But then I convince myself that I have no friends and no one there for me and I will die alone in an angry death. But that's not logical either. *Sigh* I don't know.
I need someone to listen to each situation I fuss over and tell me if I'm being overly sensitive. But sometimes such a person would piss me off too. Some things outsiders do not understand, like why exactly something pisses me off and if they were to tell me I was being over sensitive it would only piss me off even more. I don't know what I need. Drugs, probably.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Writing and Junk
So I was told that writing would be really helpful for me. I wish I updated more often, but it's so hard to find time, and then dedicate that time to my blogs. But here I am. This post is going to be sloppy and all over the place. Usually I know what I want to talk about before I blog but today I'm just going to ramble about whatever comes to my mind first.
I could be studying for exams, since they're all coming up next week, but my weekend really is just starting (in a way) and I have absolutely no motivation to start studying just yet. I actually have no motivation to really do anything, which is part of my problem. Even now, I'm convincing myself not to lay down just yet (as I had spent most of my day laying down--not even sleeping, just laying there) because I know that I won't want to get out of bed for a least two days.
As the semester comes to an end I cannot help but be so pleased that I won't have to be here anymore. When I went to use the bathroom earlier I had noticed a sign on the door, explaining that someone had stolen a TV from one of the lounges and now everyone in the building would be charged for it. I was so pissed. I don't care if they charge me even a nickle. I am not paying for someone else's stupidity. I really can't wait to be home. I know my mother will drive me insane as soon as I get back though. Also, I will miss this town. I really do love this town itself, but being here for school just makes things so...unpleasant. I also will miss my job greatly. I have never loved a job before the way I love my current one. My co-workers, the kids...I really like it all. I wish it was closer to home or that I lived closer so I could work here over the summer...I've actually considered finishing the kids school year at work (which means driving back and forth from Maryland) but I really think that's okay with me. I'll have to carefully consider all the pro's and con's first, though.
I was thinking earlier how this is my last semester in town and how no one came to visit me. I'm somewhat annoyed by it but eh, what can be done... Part of it truly was my own fault, this semester has been extremely busy and depressing and one event after another took away my free time. But part of it was not my fault. I asked multiple times for friends to come down and visit me as a group. Sure, I could do it while I don't live here anymore but honestly that makes things much more difficult. Besides, I wanted friends down here so that it would cheer me up during the school year. Next weekend I will be moving back to MD for good, so therefore this is my last weekend here. People suck.
Even if I invited people to come this weekend, I know they wouldn't for multiple reasons. One, being that I can never get people to listen or do a group activity without breaking my back.In fact, I just remembered one event on a side rant :
I had wanted to have a girls night for so because it just seemed really fun to me. This was when myself and some other girl friends of mine had tried to make plans to hangout more often. Well, of course, me trying to implement plans fell through. My plan was to dress up, go to all the fun and cute shops downtown and then go to this restaurant that I wanted to try for a long time. The restaurant I've been to for lunch multiple times, but from that I've seen and what they've told me, the place expands at night and they have a whole new menu. I thought it would be fun and exciting to do with friends! But nope--I was ditched, and frankly annoyed by it that I decided to not hang out with them collectively as a group anymore. And honestly I haven't--which isn't surprising since I've had to plan it all. (They're still my friends of course--this sort of thing happens to me all the time when I try to plan shit).
ANYWAY. Another reason why they wouldn't come is because many of them have plans to go somewhere and see a speaker. This makes sense and I have no beef with that.
Buuuut if they didn't plan that they STILL wouldn't come because another speaker is going to be around and no one misses that. Ever.
UGHHHHH TO LIFE.
Also, I apologize. This is turning out to be more like a prolonged facebook post than a blog post which is gross and lame. I like how I tend to articulate my thoughts and feelings a little better here but I feel like I haven't been able to do that today.
I think the rant/typing is helping some...but I feel like I'm just reawakening a lot of anger I have, as the more I type the more I remember something that has pissed me off. I'm not sure if it's buried anger or what. I've also been really disappointed with myself lately. With my grades, my lack of motivation, my lack of progress in life and just how I've handled things in general. I want to be a better human being, but a huge part of me just wants to lay down until death takes me away. It sounds morbid, but it's true.
It's beyond laziness. I've always been lazy. "Why do now what you can put off tomorrow?" But now it has becoming something greater. It isn't because I'm lazy, it's because nothing matters anymore, and has now become "why do anything now when there isn't a point?" Sometimes motivation is found in things that excite you--studying hard for a test so you can pass so you can get your dream job! It will all be so exciting when you're living that good life from all your paid off work...right? But what if you don't care about that good life? What if you feel empty inside?
I've been trying to find joy but it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep. But that will be my daily goal for the summer or forever.
I could be studying for exams, since they're all coming up next week, but my weekend really is just starting (in a way) and I have absolutely no motivation to start studying just yet. I actually have no motivation to really do anything, which is part of my problem. Even now, I'm convincing myself not to lay down just yet (as I had spent most of my day laying down--not even sleeping, just laying there) because I know that I won't want to get out of bed for a least two days.
As the semester comes to an end I cannot help but be so pleased that I won't have to be here anymore. When I went to use the bathroom earlier I had noticed a sign on the door, explaining that someone had stolen a TV from one of the lounges and now everyone in the building would be charged for it. I was so pissed. I don't care if they charge me even a nickle. I am not paying for someone else's stupidity. I really can't wait to be home. I know my mother will drive me insane as soon as I get back though. Also, I will miss this town. I really do love this town itself, but being here for school just makes things so...unpleasant. I also will miss my job greatly. I have never loved a job before the way I love my current one. My co-workers, the kids...I really like it all. I wish it was closer to home or that I lived closer so I could work here over the summer...I've actually considered finishing the kids school year at work (which means driving back and forth from Maryland) but I really think that's okay with me. I'll have to carefully consider all the pro's and con's first, though.
I was thinking earlier how this is my last semester in town and how no one came to visit me. I'm somewhat annoyed by it but eh, what can be done... Part of it truly was my own fault, this semester has been extremely busy and depressing and one event after another took away my free time. But part of it was not my fault. I asked multiple times for friends to come down and visit me as a group. Sure, I could do it while I don't live here anymore but honestly that makes things much more difficult. Besides, I wanted friends down here so that it would cheer me up during the school year. Next weekend I will be moving back to MD for good, so therefore this is my last weekend here. People suck.
Even if I invited people to come this weekend, I know they wouldn't for multiple reasons. One, being that I can never get people to listen or do a group activity without breaking my back.In fact, I just remembered one event on a side rant :
I had wanted to have a girls night for so because it just seemed really fun to me. This was when myself and some other girl friends of mine had tried to make plans to hangout more often. Well, of course, me trying to implement plans fell through. My plan was to dress up, go to all the fun and cute shops downtown and then go to this restaurant that I wanted to try for a long time. The restaurant I've been to for lunch multiple times, but from that I've seen and what they've told me, the place expands at night and they have a whole new menu. I thought it would be fun and exciting to do with friends! But nope--I was ditched, and frankly annoyed by it that I decided to not hang out with them collectively as a group anymore. And honestly I haven't--which isn't surprising since I've had to plan it all. (They're still my friends of course--this sort of thing happens to me all the time when I try to plan shit).
ANYWAY. Another reason why they wouldn't come is because many of them have plans to go somewhere and see a speaker. This makes sense and I have no beef with that.
Buuuut if they didn't plan that they STILL wouldn't come because another speaker is going to be around and no one misses that. Ever.
UGHHHHH TO LIFE.
Also, I apologize. This is turning out to be more like a prolonged facebook post than a blog post which is gross and lame. I like how I tend to articulate my thoughts and feelings a little better here but I feel like I haven't been able to do that today.
I think the rant/typing is helping some...but I feel like I'm just reawakening a lot of anger I have, as the more I type the more I remember something that has pissed me off. I'm not sure if it's buried anger or what. I've also been really disappointed with myself lately. With my grades, my lack of motivation, my lack of progress in life and just how I've handled things in general. I want to be a better human being, but a huge part of me just wants to lay down until death takes me away. It sounds morbid, but it's true.
It's beyond laziness. I've always been lazy. "Why do now what you can put off tomorrow?" But now it has becoming something greater. It isn't because I'm lazy, it's because nothing matters anymore, and has now become "why do anything now when there isn't a point?" Sometimes motivation is found in things that excite you--studying hard for a test so you can pass so you can get your dream job! It will all be so exciting when you're living that good life from all your paid off work...right? But what if you don't care about that good life? What if you feel empty inside?
I've been trying to find joy but it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep. But that will be my daily goal for the summer or forever.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Catherine.
So the last time I posted was just a few days before your birthday.
It's amazing how much I take each day for granted. Will this be the last time you see a person? Talk to them? Tell them you love them? You never know.
I try too hard not to allow my life to become a constant stream of anger and regret. But regret was my initial reaction.
Why?
Why did I not find a way to come down earlier in February? Why did I not use everything in my power to see your face? Make you smile? Why did I assume our time together in this world was infinite? Why did I not carefully look at life expectancy and put that into consideration? Why did I not go into your hospital room one last time to tell you how much I loved you?
How?
How could this have happened again? All the pain I have ever thought I could feel was proven that I could hurt more. How could God take you away, knowing how weak our spirits are? How could you have left this world when you were the strongest person I've ever known?
Now what?
When I heard the news I couldn't stop asking, "what are we going to do?" I'm not entirely sure what I was asking. I wasn't sure if anyone had an answer. I wanted one, and quick. Looking only to a month ago what I really was asking was, "How are we supposed to go on living?"
I still don't know the answer to that question--or any of the questions I mentioned here. Cat would want us to go on living, this I know for sure. But I really do not know how.
I'm trying. I'm trying to show my loved ones that I'm still here. Sometimes the love you have for someone is so indescribable that the words alone are not enough. How can you fully express to someone that they are one of the chains in this world that keep the machine of your heart beating? When your heart stopped I thought mine did too. I would literally beat my own chest to keep it going...
The nightmares for the most part stopped. But they were to be expected. When my father passed I had dreams for months. Some good, but mostly bad. Love is a terrible, terrible thing.
I still don't know what to do. But I know what I will do. I will go on living, even if through the motions. I will find strength from somewhere to keep my heart beating. I refuse to let your memory perish with you. You are here with me in my heart, and I will keep that beautiful soul of yours for your daughter to see.
It's amazing how much I take each day for granted. Will this be the last time you see a person? Talk to them? Tell them you love them? You never know.
I try too hard not to allow my life to become a constant stream of anger and regret. But regret was my initial reaction.
Why?
Why did I not find a way to come down earlier in February? Why did I not use everything in my power to see your face? Make you smile? Why did I assume our time together in this world was infinite? Why did I not carefully look at life expectancy and put that into consideration? Why did I not go into your hospital room one last time to tell you how much I loved you?
How?
How could this have happened again? All the pain I have ever thought I could feel was proven that I could hurt more. How could God take you away, knowing how weak our spirits are? How could you have left this world when you were the strongest person I've ever known?
Now what?
When I heard the news I couldn't stop asking, "what are we going to do?" I'm not entirely sure what I was asking. I wasn't sure if anyone had an answer. I wanted one, and quick. Looking only to a month ago what I really was asking was, "How are we supposed to go on living?"
I still don't know the answer to that question--or any of the questions I mentioned here. Cat would want us to go on living, this I know for sure. But I really do not know how.
I'm trying. I'm trying to show my loved ones that I'm still here. Sometimes the love you have for someone is so indescribable that the words alone are not enough. How can you fully express to someone that they are one of the chains in this world that keep the machine of your heart beating? When your heart stopped I thought mine did too. I would literally beat my own chest to keep it going...
The nightmares for the most part stopped. But they were to be expected. When my father passed I had dreams for months. Some good, but mostly bad. Love is a terrible, terrible thing.
I still don't know what to do. But I know what I will do. I will go on living, even if through the motions. I will find strength from somewhere to keep my heart beating. I refuse to let your memory perish with you. You are here with me in my heart, and I will keep that beautiful soul of yours for your daughter to see.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Gag me with a spoon
**OLD, APPARENTLY NEVER PUBLISHED**
Barf.
Okay, maybe not barf, but I felt the need to begin this post with that because I have a deep and utter feeling that I'm going to be talking about mushy stuff in this post. And by mushy stuff I mean my love life:Or lack thereof.. For once, that following sentence doesn't need to be there, which is something myself several months ago would not have been able to grasp and something myself almost a year ago would have been jumping for joy with. Calm down Vanice of 2012, it isn't him so be glad.
Where do I begin? Let me go back to myself of Apr '12. Actually, no. Let me generalize myself. I don't get crushes like "normal" girls. I liked a whopping three people from 6th grade to my Senior year of High School. I don't count infatuations---when I'd think I'd like someone but when I actually started to get to know them after admiring from afar I'd realize that they weren't all that impressive. But when it came to April of last year I knew I was crushing pretty hard. Which was quite silly and embarassing looking back on it, but I really was. I thought, Someone new and fresh. Someone I could actually see myself spending time with and them spending time with my family. I'd say that sadly the feelings weren't mutual but in order to say that I'd have to be sad about it. But life goes on.
I can say that now but afterwords I definitely didn't feel that way. FOREVER ALONE STAMPED ON MY FOREHEAD. That's how I felt. My hopes were so built up that the fall of them crashing down serious did some ego damage. "You're beautiful," many people told me. I mean, I knew I wasn't stunning by any means but when I looked in the mirror I actually didn't have a huge issue with what I saw.Which was the problem. The guy I even liked at the time told me I was pretty. Which only made me think, Oh Lord. My personality sucks.
Here's what I think about looks---yeah it's an issue most of us face (I say most because some people are just freaking natural gorgeous even when they have bed head and the swine flu). And we think that maybe if we were more ___ and less ___ then ____ would find us more attractive. But to an extent, some of those qualities can be changed. A person can lose or gain weight, get their hair done, do makeup/get rid of blemishes, etc...Of course there are some things that can't change, but there's always improvement. NOT TO SAY that a person should change their looks for someone else. Nah. If he doesn't like you with no make up on then...he doesn't like your face at all. It isn't that magical.
ANYWAY, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my sh*tty personality. No, but seriously that's what I thought. I just thought me as a person failed. And that is really something I can't really change. So therefore I assumed that no one would ever truly want me. They'd talk to me momentarily but then they'd realize that I'm quite and awkward then they'd get bored and move on to a far note interesting gal. I still feel that way sometimes... not a good feeling.
Barf.
Okay, maybe not barf, but I felt the need to begin this post with that because I have a deep and utter feeling that I'm going to be talking about mushy stuff in this post. And by mushy stuff I mean my love life:
Where do I begin? Let me go back to myself of Apr '12. Actually, no. Let me generalize myself. I don't get crushes like "normal" girls. I liked a whopping three people from 6th grade to my Senior year of High School. I don't count infatuations---when I'd think I'd like someone but when I actually started to get to know them after admiring from afar I'd realize that they weren't all that impressive. But when it came to April of last year I knew I was crushing pretty hard. Which was quite silly and embarassing looking back on it, but I really was. I thought, Someone new and fresh. Someone I could actually see myself spending time with and them spending time with my family. I'd say that sadly the feelings weren't mutual but in order to say that I'd have to be sad about it. But life goes on.
I can say that now but afterwords I definitely didn't feel that way. FOREVER ALONE STAMPED ON MY FOREHEAD. That's how I felt. My hopes were so built up that the fall of them crashing down serious did some ego damage. "You're beautiful," many people told me. I mean, I knew I wasn't stunning by any means but when I looked in the mirror I actually didn't have a huge issue with what I saw.Which was the problem. The guy I even liked at the time told me I was pretty. Which only made me think, Oh Lord. My personality sucks.
Here's what I think about looks---yeah it's an issue most of us face (I say most because some people are just freaking natural gorgeous even when they have bed head and the swine flu). And we think that maybe if we were more ___ and less ___ then ____ would find us more attractive. But to an extent, some of those qualities can be changed. A person can lose or gain weight, get their hair done, do makeup/get rid of blemishes, etc...Of course there are some things that can't change, but there's always improvement. NOT TO SAY that a person should change their looks for someone else. Nah. If he doesn't like you with no make up on then...he doesn't like your face at all. It isn't that magical.
ANYWAY, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my sh*tty personality. No, but seriously that's what I thought. I just thought me as a person failed. And that is really something I can't really change. So therefore I assumed that no one would ever truly want me. They'd talk to me momentarily but then they'd realize that I'm quite and awkward then they'd get bored and move on to a far note interesting gal. I still feel that way sometimes... not a good feeling.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Guess who's back?
So my sister made a point today that just sort of stuck with me, bringing me here. She simply said, "you remember you have a laptop right?" to which I replied, "yeah of course it's sitting right over there."
But I haven't actually thought about my laptop much at all since the semester ended really. I mean, a couple of times I got on it when the desktop was occupied or when I wanted to transfer music onto my phone or something. But seriously weeks could go by before I'd actually use it. I bought it with the intention of school use and honestly that became the main and only use for it.
But then I got thinking. I was reading back some of my old blogs forever ago and missed when I blogged every day and not just twice a year with a lame post saying how much I missed blogging. I thought, geez I have a laptop why I don't I put it to use this summer and blog more often like I've wanted to?
So yeah, that's why I'm here.
Anyway, onto more important matters into my life. I haven't done this in so long but I really want to get back into--I just feel like I don't know how. It's like trying to start a conversation with someone but just being horribly awkward and not knowing how. So pretty much all conversations I have with anyone. Haa. But yeah anyways, this summer so far has been...okay. It's almost two months into it and I haven't really done much of anything. I saw/hung out with a few friends but not NEARLY as many as I intended to. That I can totally take the blame for. It originally was because of my grandmother, who had a stroke the day after my last day of school so I essentially took care of her for a few weeks. After I no longer had to look after her because my aunt could now do so I've just been feeling...tired and extra introverted. Being around people or even the thought of hanging out with people sounds so tiring to me that I just don't really want to do it. Now, I don't really avoid people but honestly things do come up and prevent me from hanging out as much but I almost feel relieved to know that my plans are cancelled or unavailable. The people I see the most are probably the warehouse people, but that's just a part of my norm now that it doesn't feel as tiring. But it can be too.
Something awesome that happened though was me being able to go to ALIVE fest in Ohio with the warehouse. I for sure did NOT think I was going to be able to go. I am beyond poor this year--Shepherd has truly drained me for all I've got plus things are tight at home as well. But Bryan and Devon pitched in and therefore I got a ticket. Which was awesome.
Until we were leaving for there.
I feel...idk. I hate being a burden. And I felt like a huge one. I overheard them talking about money for my ticket and basically it made me feel horrible. I expressed how I felt with Stephanie who just reassured me that everyone wanted me to be there and that it was absolutely not an issue. Even though I kinda believed her words I ended up crying for probably 45 mins during the drive to Ohio. I seriously could not stop and I was even annoying myself. I felt like a waste of a person and felt like Bryan and Devon probably thought so too... I don't know, maybe it was doubt just manifesting deep inside of me to try to ruin my time at Alive. But after a good cry (pretty sure no one noticed and I'm glad) I felt much better and did indeed had a good time there. Even though it rained buckets that first night. But that probably was one of the best nights there--no joke.
It was super hot when we got there and I absolutely hate setting up camp no matter what fest I'm at so that sucked. But then we didn't even get everything up before it started down pouring. To me honestly is when things started picking up. Even though everything that night got cancelled we had a camp fire where probably 40 or more of our neighbors joined us for it. It was a really good time and I just remembering feeling incredibly blessed. Even throughout the rest of the week people would stop at our campsite and say hello to us and it was nice. In fact, the people at alive was sooo friendly it was great. I felt like I could actually become friends with strangers--I never feel that way.
Somethings and sometime people did annoy me there, but it was mainly at points where I was just tired of constantly being around people. But overall it didn't bring me down, and I feel a little closer to some of the warehouse folks. It was my first festival with them, so I was anxious and thought a lot of stupid things like "what if they don't like me?" even though I've known them for years. I tend to psych myself out in a lot of stupid ways.
Something a speaker said one night really stuck out to me. I posting it here also so that I can remember for years to come. He said, "are you driven by fear or by love?" At first I wasn't sure what he meant until he elaborated. He said how so much fear in his life stops him before reaching out, from conquering things and from being all he can be. That fits my life exactly. I will not approach someone because I'm afraid. There's a lot I won't do because of fear. He also spoke about our view on God. Do we do things because we're afraid of hell or because we are following this contract or are we obeying out of love and have somewhat of an understanding of God? It was really interesting.
The speaker from TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) said something that I constantly heard throughout the rest of the week that stood out to me as well. He said "Everyone is broken.' And I oddly find those words comforting.
More of less I'm so so glad I got to go and I want to go again. Creation Fest is happening right now and I kind of wish I was there too.. I just want to festival forever lol (except not really because I would look a HOT MESS)
I feel like this is going to be a long post because I have no much to say.
Something that's been annoying me lately:
-people who don't know me at all
-couples
The first one seems kinda silly so let me go further. If I've hung out with you and/or known you for years and you think I only listen to kpop and rap music you honestly do not know anything about me. And it just annoys me because I feel like it's just a stereotype? Because I honestly listen to more mellow music than anything. And I listen to pretty much anything that isn't super heavy or country music. Anything good. So to think I just dance 24/7 and am happy go lucky fool who isn't diverse is really an insult. Explosions in the Sky is my favorite band atm, Flyleaf used to be my favorite (so basically I love their old stuff), I love ..well. A lot of things. So yeah, it bugs me.
The second one seems pretty self explanatory. But it isn't all couples--just the ones who are all over each other and have hardly any other hobbies or interests other than each other. Who can not go longer than a day without each other for surely they will die. These couples need a punch in the face.
It's not that I'm jealous either. I seriously gave this thought and came to the conclusion that I am not. When I was dating, I wasn't this type of couple. Also jealously indicates that you want what someone else has. No.
I've come to terms..(or am coming) with being single. I don't think it's bitterness..idk. But I'm pretty certain I will be a single for a long time if not forever. Since my breakup last year my standards have only increased and are increased probably by the hour. I refuse to settle. And not only that but I started looking through the world through the eyes of a single woman. Trust me, hardly anyone does this.
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
Ask a girl this and you can almost guarantee marriage will pop up in her sentence somewhere. Probably children too. A goal that involves someone else somehow and you've got to just hope and wait that someone will provide for you in order to meet it. A man with a ring..or sperm. Whatever.
When I look at my life I think about what I did to get there. I got myself into a University. Mama didn't--couldn't help me. A man did not persuade or influence my decision to go or not to go to school unlike some of my friends. Some would deny this of course but I can't help but think 'If you didn't have a boyfriend would you have still made those choices?'. Some could probably ask me the same but really it made no difference. I chose to go to Shepherd before I had a boyfriend, during and after. My decision did not change.
I have no problem with those who date but I don't get putting friends and family on the back burner. Your boyfriend is not your husband. Also people expect their friends to just be there for them once they've broken up with their significant other...ugh.
Something that's obnoxious being content single is having people try to set you up or harass you on when your next boyfriend will be. I really just want to shout NOT INTERESTED at the top of my lungs because well...I'm not. Not now anyway.
I just don't get why people HAVE to be in a relationship. It's almost like people ignore that passage where Paul says it's better to remain single. The christian community is just like "NO GET MARRIED AS SOON AS IT'S LEGAL." I'm exaggerating but only slightly. Expressing myself to any adults (I say adults even though I am one, but you know what I mean) about this is nearly impossible, because anyone I would even feel comfortable talking about relationships with were all married at my age. LAME. I'm only 21 but people act as though my biological clock is ticking or something.
I think about people at my church (the warehouse). Of all of the females my age group (19-25) all of which are married, engaged, in a relationship that's practically marriage or has a baby... It's just me left and trust me, I'm not next. Even when I think about Paramount it's not that different. I also noticed that none of those girls are in or are currently finishing school...
To quote a friend of mine, 'I want my B.A before my M.R.S'
Haa. Too true.
I feel like my rant somehow got off course. I was just rambling.
Anyway. I can't ramble any more otherwise I'll be typing for another hour.
But I haven't actually thought about my laptop much at all since the semester ended really. I mean, a couple of times I got on it when the desktop was occupied or when I wanted to transfer music onto my phone or something. But seriously weeks could go by before I'd actually use it. I bought it with the intention of school use and honestly that became the main and only use for it.
But then I got thinking. I was reading back some of my old blogs forever ago and missed when I blogged every day and not just twice a year with a lame post saying how much I missed blogging. I thought, geez I have a laptop why I don't I put it to use this summer and blog more often like I've wanted to?
So yeah, that's why I'm here.
Anyway, onto more important matters into my life. I haven't done this in so long but I really want to get back into--I just feel like I don't know how. It's like trying to start a conversation with someone but just being horribly awkward and not knowing how. So pretty much all conversations I have with anyone. Haa. But yeah anyways, this summer so far has been...okay. It's almost two months into it and I haven't really done much of anything. I saw/hung out with a few friends but not NEARLY as many as I intended to. That I can totally take the blame for. It originally was because of my grandmother, who had a stroke the day after my last day of school so I essentially took care of her for a few weeks. After I no longer had to look after her because my aunt could now do so I've just been feeling...tired and extra introverted. Being around people or even the thought of hanging out with people sounds so tiring to me that I just don't really want to do it. Now, I don't really avoid people but honestly things do come up and prevent me from hanging out as much but I almost feel relieved to know that my plans are cancelled or unavailable. The people I see the most are probably the warehouse people, but that's just a part of my norm now that it doesn't feel as tiring. But it can be too.
Something awesome that happened though was me being able to go to ALIVE fest in Ohio with the warehouse. I for sure did NOT think I was going to be able to go. I am beyond poor this year--Shepherd has truly drained me for all I've got plus things are tight at home as well. But Bryan and Devon pitched in and therefore I got a ticket. Which was awesome.
Until we were leaving for there.
I feel...idk. I hate being a burden. And I felt like a huge one. I overheard them talking about money for my ticket and basically it made me feel horrible. I expressed how I felt with Stephanie who just reassured me that everyone wanted me to be there and that it was absolutely not an issue. Even though I kinda believed her words I ended up crying for probably 45 mins during the drive to Ohio. I seriously could not stop and I was even annoying myself. I felt like a waste of a person and felt like Bryan and Devon probably thought so too... I don't know, maybe it was doubt just manifesting deep inside of me to try to ruin my time at Alive. But after a good cry (pretty sure no one noticed and I'm glad) I felt much better and did indeed had a good time there. Even though it rained buckets that first night. But that probably was one of the best nights there--no joke.
It was super hot when we got there and I absolutely hate setting up camp no matter what fest I'm at so that sucked. But then we didn't even get everything up before it started down pouring. To me honestly is when things started picking up. Even though everything that night got cancelled we had a camp fire where probably 40 or more of our neighbors joined us for it. It was a really good time and I just remembering feeling incredibly blessed. Even throughout the rest of the week people would stop at our campsite and say hello to us and it was nice. In fact, the people at alive was sooo friendly it was great. I felt like I could actually become friends with strangers--I never feel that way.
Somethings and sometime people did annoy me there, but it was mainly at points where I was just tired of constantly being around people. But overall it didn't bring me down, and I feel a little closer to some of the warehouse folks. It was my first festival with them, so I was anxious and thought a lot of stupid things like "what if they don't like me?" even though I've known them for years. I tend to psych myself out in a lot of stupid ways.
Something a speaker said one night really stuck out to me. I posting it here also so that I can remember for years to come. He said, "are you driven by fear or by love?" At first I wasn't sure what he meant until he elaborated. He said how so much fear in his life stops him before reaching out, from conquering things and from being all he can be. That fits my life exactly. I will not approach someone because I'm afraid. There's a lot I won't do because of fear. He also spoke about our view on God. Do we do things because we're afraid of hell or because we are following this contract or are we obeying out of love and have somewhat of an understanding of God? It was really interesting.
The speaker from TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) said something that I constantly heard throughout the rest of the week that stood out to me as well. He said "Everyone is broken.' And I oddly find those words comforting.
More of less I'm so so glad I got to go and I want to go again. Creation Fest is happening right now and I kind of wish I was there too.. I just want to festival forever lol (except not really because I would look a HOT MESS)
I feel like this is going to be a long post because I have no much to say.
Something that's been annoying me lately:
-people who don't know me at all
-couples
The first one seems kinda silly so let me go further. If I've hung out with you and/or known you for years and you think I only listen to kpop and rap music you honestly do not know anything about me. And it just annoys me because I feel like it's just a stereotype? Because I honestly listen to more mellow music than anything. And I listen to pretty much anything that isn't super heavy or country music. Anything good. So to think I just dance 24/7 and am happy go lucky fool who isn't diverse is really an insult. Explosions in the Sky is my favorite band atm, Flyleaf used to be my favorite (so basically I love their old stuff), I love ..well. A lot of things. So yeah, it bugs me.
The second one seems pretty self explanatory. But it isn't all couples--just the ones who are all over each other and have hardly any other hobbies or interests other than each other. Who can not go longer than a day without each other for surely they will die. These couples need a punch in the face.
It's not that I'm jealous either. I seriously gave this thought and came to the conclusion that I am not. When I was dating, I wasn't this type of couple. Also jealously indicates that you want what someone else has. No.
I've come to terms..(or am coming) with being single. I don't think it's bitterness..idk. But I'm pretty certain I will be a single for a long time if not forever. Since my breakup last year my standards have only increased and are increased probably by the hour. I refuse to settle. And not only that but I started looking through the world through the eyes of a single woman. Trust me, hardly anyone does this.
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
Ask a girl this and you can almost guarantee marriage will pop up in her sentence somewhere. Probably children too. A goal that involves someone else somehow and you've got to just hope and wait that someone will provide for you in order to meet it. A man with a ring..or sperm. Whatever.
When I look at my life I think about what I did to get there. I got myself into a University. Mama didn't--couldn't help me. A man did not persuade or influence my decision to go or not to go to school unlike some of my friends. Some would deny this of course but I can't help but think 'If you didn't have a boyfriend would you have still made those choices?'. Some could probably ask me the same but really it made no difference. I chose to go to Shepherd before I had a boyfriend, during and after. My decision did not change.
I have no problem with those who date but I don't get putting friends and family on the back burner. Your boyfriend is not your husband. Also people expect their friends to just be there for them once they've broken up with their significant other...ugh.
Something that's obnoxious being content single is having people try to set you up or harass you on when your next boyfriend will be. I really just want to shout NOT INTERESTED at the top of my lungs because well...I'm not. Not now anyway.
I just don't get why people HAVE to be in a relationship. It's almost like people ignore that passage where Paul says it's better to remain single. The christian community is just like "NO GET MARRIED AS SOON AS IT'S LEGAL." I'm exaggerating but only slightly. Expressing myself to any adults (I say adults even though I am one, but you know what I mean) about this is nearly impossible, because anyone I would even feel comfortable talking about relationships with were all married at my age. LAME. I'm only 21 but people act as though my biological clock is ticking or something.
I think about people at my church (the warehouse). Of all of the females my age group (19-25) all of which are married, engaged, in a relationship that's practically marriage or has a baby... It's just me left and trust me, I'm not next. Even when I think about Paramount it's not that different. I also noticed that none of those girls are in or are currently finishing school...
To quote a friend of mine, 'I want my B.A before my M.R.S'
Haa. Too true.
I feel like my rant somehow got off course. I was just rambling.
Anyway. I can't ramble any more otherwise I'll be typing for another hour.
Monday, September 9, 2013
So I'm always sick
So I decided to look back on the last post that posted (which was like a year ago) and I was sick. Which is kinda funny because I'm sick now. And by funny I mean it ticks me off... why must I always be sick?! This is going to be a short post because I have to go to Politics soon....
I'm gun die.
I'm gun die.
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