Gag me with a spoon

**OLD, APPARENTLY NEVER PUBLISHED**

Barf.
Okay, maybe not barf, but I felt the need to begin this post with that because I have a deep and utter feeling that I'm going to be talking about mushy stuff in this post. And by mushy stuff I mean my love life: Or lack thereof.. For once, that following sentence doesn't need to be there, which is something myself several months ago would not have been able to grasp and something myself almost a year ago would have been jumping for joy with. Calm down Vanice of 2012, it isn't him so be glad.
          Where do I begin? Let me go back to myself of Apr '12. Actually, no. Let me generalize myself. I don't get crushes like "normal" girls. I liked a whopping three people from 6th grade to my Senior year of High School. I don't count infatuations---when I'd think I'd like someone but when I actually started to get to know them after admiring from afar I'd realize that they weren't all that impressive. But when it came to April of last year I knew I was crushing pretty hard. Which was quite silly and embarassing looking back on it, but I really was. I thought, Someone new and fresh. Someone I could actually see myself spending time with and them spending time with my family. I'd say that sadly the feelings weren't mutual but in order to say that I'd have to be sad about it. But life goes on.
          I can say that now but afterwords I definitely didn't feel that way. FOREVER ALONE STAMPED ON MY FOREHEAD. That's how I felt. My hopes were so built up that the fall of them crashing down serious did some ego damage. "You're beautiful," many people told me. I mean, I knew I wasn't stunning by any means but when I looked in the mirror I actually didn't have a huge issue with what I saw.Which was the problem. The guy I even liked at the time told me I was pretty. Which only made me think, Oh Lord. My personality sucks.
          Here's what I think about looks---yeah it's an issue most of us face (I say most because some people are just freaking natural gorgeous even when they have bed head and the swine flu). And we think that maybe if we were more ___ and less ___ then ____ would find us more attractive. But to an extent, some of those qualities can be changed. A person can lose or gain weight, get their hair done, do makeup/get rid of blemishes, etc...Of course there are some things that can't change, but there's always improvement. NOT TO SAY that a person should change their looks for someone else. Nah. If he doesn't like you with no make up on then...he doesn't like your face at all. It isn't that magical.
          ANYWAY, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my sh*tty personality. No, but seriously that's what I thought. I just thought me as a person failed. And that is really something I can't really change. So therefore I assumed that no one would ever truly want me. They'd talk to me momentarily but then they'd realize that I'm quite and awkward then they'd get bored and move on to a far note interesting gal. I still feel that way sometimes... not a good feeling.
         

Guess who's back?

          So my sister made a point today that just sort of stuck with me, bringing me here. She simply said, "you remember you have a laptop right?" to which I replied, "yeah of course it's sitting right over there."
          But I haven't actually thought about my laptop much at all since the semester ended really. I mean, a couple of times I got on it when the desktop was occupied or when I wanted to transfer music onto my phone or something. But seriously weeks could go by before I'd actually use it. I bought it with the intention of school use and honestly that became the main and only use for it.
          But then I got thinking. I was reading back some of my old blogs forever ago and missed when I blogged every day and not just twice a year with a lame post saying how much I missed blogging. I thought, geez I have a laptop why I don't I put it to use this summer and blog more often like I've wanted to?

So yeah, that's why I'm here.

         Anyway, onto more important matters into my life. I haven't done this in so long but I really want to get back into--I just feel like I don't know how. It's like trying to start a conversation with someone but just being horribly awkward and not knowing how. So pretty much all conversations I have with anyone. Haa. But yeah anyways, this summer so far has been...okay. It's almost two months into it and I haven't really done much of anything. I saw/hung out with a few friends but not NEARLY as many as I intended to. That I can totally take the blame for. It originally was because of my grandmother, who had a stroke the day after my last day of school so I essentially took care of her for a few weeks. After I no longer had to look after her because my aunt could now do so I've just been feeling...tired and extra introverted. Being around people or even the thought of hanging out with people sounds so tiring to me that I just don't really want to do it. Now, I don't really avoid people but honestly things do come up and prevent me from hanging out as much but I almost feel relieved to know that my plans are cancelled or unavailable. The people I see the most are probably the warehouse people, but that's just a part of my norm now that it doesn't feel as tiring. But it can be too.
        Something awesome that happened though was me being able to go to ALIVE fest in Ohio with the warehouse. I for sure did NOT think I was going to be able to go. I am beyond poor this year--Shepherd has truly drained me for all I've got plus things are tight at home as well. But Bryan and Devon pitched in and therefore I got a ticket. Which was awesome.
      Until we were leaving for there.
  I feel...idk. I hate being a burden. And I felt like a huge one. I overheard them talking about money for my ticket and basically it made me feel horrible. I expressed how I felt with Stephanie who just reassured me that everyone wanted me to be there and that it was absolutely not an issue. Even though I kinda believed her words I ended up crying for probably 45 mins during the drive to Ohio. I seriously could not stop and I was even annoying myself. I felt like a waste of a person and felt like Bryan and Devon probably thought so too... I don't know, maybe it was doubt just manifesting deep inside of me to try to ruin my time at Alive. But after a good cry (pretty sure no one noticed and I'm glad) I felt much better and did indeed had a good time there. Even though it rained buckets that first night. But that probably was one of the best nights there--no joke.
     It was super hot when we got there and I absolutely hate setting up camp no matter what fest I'm at so that sucked. But then we didn't even get everything up before it started down pouring. To me honestly is when things started picking up.  Even though everything that night got cancelled we had a camp fire where probably 40 or more of our neighbors joined us for it. It was a really good time and I just remembering feeling incredibly blessed. Even throughout the rest of the week people would stop at our campsite and say hello to us and it was nice. In fact, the people at alive was sooo friendly it was great. I felt like I could actually become friends with strangers--I never feel that way.
   Somethings and sometime people did annoy me there, but it was mainly at points where I was just tired of constantly being around people. But overall it didn't bring me down, and I feel a little closer to some of the warehouse folks. It was my first festival with them, so I was anxious and thought a lot of stupid things like "what if they don't like me?" even though I've known them for years. I tend to psych myself out in a lot of stupid ways.
     Something a speaker said one night really stuck out to me. I posting it here also so that I can remember for years to come. He said, "are you driven by fear or by love?" At first I wasn't sure what he meant until he elaborated. He said how so much fear in his life stops him before reaching out, from conquering things and from being all he can be. That fits my life exactly. I will not approach someone because I'm afraid. There's a lot I won't do because of fear. He also spoke about our view on God. Do we do things because we're afraid of hell or because we are following this contract or are we obeying out of love and have somewhat of an understanding of God? It was really interesting.
   The speaker from TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) said something that I constantly heard throughout the rest of the week that stood out to me as well. He said "Everyone is broken.'  And I oddly find those words comforting.
     More of less I'm so so glad I got to go and I want to go again. Creation Fest is happening right now and I kind of wish I was there too.. I just want to festival forever lol (except not really because I would look a HOT MESS)


I feel like this is going to be a long post because I have no much to say.

Something that's been annoying me lately:
-people who don't know me at all
-couples

The first one seems kinda silly so let me go further. If I've hung out with you and/or known you for years and you think I only listen to kpop and rap music you honestly do not know anything about me. And it just annoys me because I feel like it's just a stereotype? Because I honestly listen to more mellow music than anything. And I listen to pretty much anything that isn't super heavy or country music. Anything good. So to think I just dance 24/7 and am happy go lucky fool who isn't diverse is really an insult. Explosions in the Sky is my favorite band atm, Flyleaf used to be my favorite (so basically I love their old stuff), I love ..well. A lot of things. So yeah, it bugs me.

The second one seems pretty self explanatory. But it isn't all couples--just the ones who are all over each other and have hardly any other hobbies or interests other than each other. Who can not go longer than a day without each other for surely they will die. These couples need a punch in the face.
It's not that I'm jealous either. I seriously gave this thought and came to the conclusion that I am not. When I was dating, I wasn't this type of couple. Also jealously indicates that you want what someone else has. No.
   I've come to terms..(or am coming) with being single. I don't think it's bitterness..idk. But I'm pretty certain I will be a single for a long time if not forever. Since my breakup last year my standards have only increased and are increased probably by the hour. I refuse to settle. And not only that but I started looking through the world through the eyes of a single woman. Trust me, hardly anyone does this.

"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

Ask a girl this and you can almost guarantee marriage will pop up in her sentence somewhere. Probably children too. A goal that involves someone else somehow and you've got to just hope and wait that someone will provide for you in order to meet it. A man with a ring..or sperm. Whatever.
When I look at my life I think about what I did to get there. I got myself into a University. Mama didn't--couldn't help me. A man did not persuade or influence my decision to go or not to go to school unlike some of my friends. Some would deny this of course but I can't help but think 'If you didn't have a boyfriend would you have still made those choices?'. Some could probably ask me the same but really it made no difference. I chose to go to Shepherd before I had a boyfriend, during and after. My decision did not change.
I have no problem with those who date but I don't get putting friends and family on the back burner. Your boyfriend is not your husband. Also people expect their friends to just be there for them once they've broken up with their significant other...ugh.

Something that's obnoxious being content single is having people try to set you up or harass you on when your next boyfriend will be. I really just want to shout NOT INTERESTED at the top of my lungs because well...I'm not. Not now anyway.
I just don't get why people HAVE to be in a relationship. It's almost like people ignore that passage where Paul says it's better to remain single. The christian community is just like "NO GET MARRIED AS SOON AS IT'S LEGAL." I'm exaggerating but only slightly. Expressing myself to any adults (I say adults even though I am one, but you know what I mean) about this is nearly impossible, because anyone I would even feel comfortable talking about relationships with were all married at my age. LAME. I'm only 21 but people act as though my biological clock is ticking or something.
I think about people at my church (the warehouse). Of all of the females my age group (19-25) all of which are married, engaged, in a relationship that's practically marriage or has a baby... It's just me left and trust me, I'm not next. Even when I think about Paramount it's not that different. I also noticed that none of those girls are in or are currently finishing school...

To quote a friend of mine, 'I want my B.A before my M.R.S'

Haa. Too true.

I feel like my rant somehow got off course. I was just rambling.

Anyway. I can't ramble any more otherwise I'll be typing for another hour.