Barf.
Okay, maybe not barf, but I felt the need to begin this post with that because I have a deep and utter feeling that I'm going to be talking about mushy stuff in this post. And by mushy stuff I mean my love life:
Where do I begin? Let me go back to myself of Apr '12. Actually, no. Let me generalize myself. I don't get crushes like "normal" girls. I liked a whopping three people from 6th grade to my Senior year of High School. I don't count infatuations---when I'd think I'd like someone but when I actually started to get to know them after admiring from afar I'd realize that they weren't all that impressive. But when it came to April of last year I knew I was crushing pretty hard. Which was quite silly and embarassing looking back on it, but I really was. I thought, Someone new and fresh. Someone I could actually see myself spending time with and them spending time with my family. I'd say that sadly the feelings weren't mutual but in order to say that I'd have to be sad about it. But life goes on.
I can say that now but afterwords I definitely didn't feel that way. FOREVER ALONE STAMPED ON MY FOREHEAD. That's how I felt. My hopes were so built up that the fall of them crashing down serious did some ego damage. "You're beautiful," many people told me. I mean, I knew I wasn't stunning by any means but when I looked in the mirror I actually didn't have a huge issue with what I saw.Which was the problem. The guy I even liked at the time told me I was pretty. Which only made me think, Oh Lord. My personality sucks.
Here's what I think about looks---yeah it's an issue most of us face (I say most because some people are just freaking natural gorgeous even when they have bed head and the swine flu). And we think that maybe if we were more ___ and less ___ then ____ would find us more attractive. But to an extent, some of those qualities can be changed. A person can lose or gain weight, get their hair done, do makeup/get rid of blemishes, etc...Of course there are some things that can't change, but there's always improvement. NOT TO SAY that a person should change their looks for someone else. Nah. If he doesn't like you with no make up on then...he doesn't like your face at all. It isn't that magical.
ANYWAY, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my sh*tty personality. No, but seriously that's what I thought. I just thought me as a person failed. And that is really something I can't really change. So therefore I assumed that no one would ever truly want me. They'd talk to me momentarily but then they'd realize that I'm quite and awkward then they'd get bored and move on to a far note interesting gal. I still feel that way sometimes... not a good feeling.
