I don't give a bother!

Except I do.
It's annoying how much I do.
Lately, in the midst of my sadness, things have been bothering me even more so than they normally would. What do you mean by what you said? Why is this person not answering me? Why was I not invited to such and such? Anything and everything has got me thinking in the worst ways, leaving me feelings wretched and worthless. I usually filter myself some, but I'm going to let most of it out for this blog post...

     I've had my fair share of encounters with people whom I deemed to be "overly sensitive". I've got to tell you, most of these I left feeling annoyed and frustrated with said persons. So that is exactly what I do not want to be. But everything lately has been hitting me so much on a personal level that it takes so much of me not to react negatively towards whomever is making me feel that way, in fear of coming across as an overly sensitive person myself. But what do you do when your own thoughts and logic are at fault? How do you reason with yourself, when you are being unreasonable?
     The fact that I'm even calling myself unreasonable isn't something that I entirely believe. But if I repeat it to myself, I hope that I will soon find the error in my own ways...it's really hard. But that's why I'm here, So take the thoughts out of my head, in hopes that it will help me organize my own brain.

If my feelings aren't hurt then I'm just pissed off. Which I guess is just a different way someone hurts your feelings...I don't know. Is making someone anything but happy hurting their feelings? Probably.
The first thing is what people say to me and how they say it. There was an instance not too long ago where someone said something to me, and while I don't *think* they were trying to be mean (I honestly don't know though) my initial reaction was "wow, okay, fuck you."
The worst part about when I feel that way is it becomes a "fuck all of you!" attitude and I convince myself that I truly hate everyone and that I want to go die a dark hole somewhere. Not even in a sad-pitiful-I'm-so lonely-lemme-go-die-somewhere. It's more like a middle-finger-raised-crash-my-car-into-a-ditch-die-somewhere. I know, I'm totally healthy right?
But then when I'm in such a mood I think of my family. Now don't get me wrong, my family pisses me off too--especially my mother. But it's different with them. I don't have so much of an F you attitude, and I just get angry and sulk some and hit something and then I'm okay. But when I'm mad at others, and I think of my family, I think of how I don't hate *THEM* and just want to move someone tropical far away from the rest of society and just be with them alone. I guess it all goes back to the feelings of thinking that my family are the only ones who love me, which is a struggle I still face on the regular. More regular than I'd like.

Another thing that bothers me is being ignored. I loathe when people ignore me. Not that I want to be the center of attention, because I hate that too. But no, if I say something at least acknowledge my presents and we're good. But pretending I don't exists pisses me off to no end. Okay, it usually just upsets me but since I'm slightly angry right now pissed off is the first emotion that comes to mind.
Here's when I think it's slightly stupid though--if I post something on a group chat and literally everyone talks around it. I don't mean I post a picture or something (though I don't really like that either but I can shrug it off) but if I have a question or make a statement or say SOMETHING which needs a response and no one does. That makes me think that no one cares about what I have to say and that I might as well say nothing at all.
This works in person as well. I say something and my voice gets lost in a room or goes one ear and out the other. Are you serious??? How could you have not heard what I said. Now THIS pisses me off.

Being at the bottom of someones priorities is one of the worst things ever. Now, yes somethings are much more important than others. For example, I was having a party for a friend, and someone could not make it because their grandmother was ill. Of course your grandmother is going to take priority over a silly party! She's family, she's someone who can't be replaced and it was a serious matter. I have absolutely no issue with that as I would have done the same. But then there are people who ditch you for other friends, even when you've had plans first with them. To me that shows me exactly how much I mean to you: nothing. Just see if I will ever make plans with you again.
This is something that's slightly pissing me off right now. I won't go into it, but if you potentially aren't going to see someone for a long time shouldn't that person have a least some priority over people you see literally all the time? If not, then you don't care for that person and don't deserve a chance to even see them.

Someone I know (whom I can't call a friend at the moment because I'm not sure) chose to do a mundane task that they literally do every day over a opportunity that won't ever happen again. Seriously? That means that friendship literally means nothing to you. I know again I'm being vague about this but this was about a week ago and I'm still astonished about this whole ordeal. I'm just...how? How could you not care about your friends that much? There is literally no excuse.

There is still so much I want to rant about but I don't even know where to begin. I guess life just shows you who your true friends are...this last situation showed me that. But then it brings me to situations where I don't even know if I'm being overly sensitive (I DO NOT think I'm being overly sensitive about that last one) or not. Some things--like the way people say things to me--I think afterwards. Okay, maybe they didn't mean it that way or whatever. But then I convince myself that I have no friends and no one there for me and I will die alone in an angry death. But that's not logical either. *Sigh* I don't know.

I need someone to listen to each situation I fuss over and tell me if I'm being overly sensitive. But sometimes such a person would piss me off too. Some things outsiders do not understand, like why exactly something pisses me off and if they were to tell me I was being over sensitive it would only piss me off even more. I don't know what I need. Drugs, probably.

Writing and Junk

So I was told that writing would be really helpful for me. I wish I updated more often, but it's so hard to find time, and then dedicate that time to my blogs. But here I am. This post is going to be sloppy and all over the place. Usually I know what I want to talk about before I blog but today I'm just going to ramble about whatever comes to my mind first.

I could  be studying for exams, since they're all coming up next week, but my weekend really is just starting (in a way) and I have absolutely no motivation to start studying just yet. I actually have no motivation to really do anything, which is part of my problem. Even now, I'm convincing myself not to lay down just yet (as I had spent most of my day laying down--not even sleeping, just laying there) because I know that I won't want to get out of bed for a least two days.

As the semester comes to an end I cannot help but be so pleased that I won't have to be here anymore. When I went to use the bathroom earlier I had noticed a sign on the door, explaining that someone had stolen a TV from one of the lounges and now everyone in the building would be charged for it. I was so pissed. I don't care if they charge me even a nickle. I am not paying for someone else's stupidity. I really can't wait to be home. I know my mother will drive me insane as soon as I get back though. Also, I will miss this town. I really do love this town itself, but being here for school just makes things so...unpleasant. I also will miss my job greatly. I have never loved a job before the way I love my current one. My co-workers, the kids...I really like it all. I wish it was closer to home or that I lived closer so I could work here over the summer...I've actually considered finishing the kids school year at work (which means driving back and forth from Maryland) but I really think that's okay with me. I'll have to carefully consider all the pro's and con's first, though.

I was thinking earlier how this is my last semester in town and how no one came to visit me. I'm somewhat annoyed by it but eh, what can be done... Part of it truly was my own fault, this semester has been extremely busy and depressing and one event after another took away my free time. But part of it was not my fault. I asked multiple times for friends to come down and visit me as a group. Sure, I could do it while I don't live here anymore but honestly that makes things much more difficult. Besides, I wanted friends down here so that it would cheer me up during the school year. Next weekend I will be moving back to MD for good, so therefore this is my last weekend here. People suck.

Even if I invited people to come this weekend, I know they wouldn't for multiple reasons. One, being that I can never get people to listen or do a group activity without breaking my back.In fact, I just remembered one event on a side rant :

       I had wanted to have a girls night for so because it just seemed really fun to me. This was when myself and some other girl friends of mine had tried to make plans to hangout more often. Well, of course, me trying to implement plans fell through. My plan was to dress up, go to all the fun and cute shops downtown and then go to this restaurant that I wanted to try for a long time. The restaurant I've been to for lunch multiple times, but from that I've seen and what they've told me, the place expands at night and they have a whole new menu. I thought it would be fun and exciting to do with friends! But nope--I was ditched, and frankly annoyed by it that I decided to not hang out with them collectively as a group anymore. And honestly I haven't--which isn't surprising since I've had to plan it all. (They're still my friends of course--this sort of thing happens to me all the time when I try to plan shit).



ANYWAY. Another reason why they wouldn't come is because many of them have plans to go somewhere and see a speaker. This makes sense and I have no beef with that.
Buuuut if they didn't plan that they STILL wouldn't come because another speaker is going to be around and no one misses that. Ever.

UGHHHHH TO LIFE.

Also, I apologize. This is turning out to be more like a prolonged facebook post than a blog post which is gross and lame. I like how I tend to articulate my thoughts and feelings a little better here but I feel like I haven't been able to do that today.

I think the rant/typing is helping some...but I feel like I'm just reawakening a lot of anger I have, as the more I type the more I remember something that has pissed me off. I'm not sure if it's buried anger or what. I've also been really disappointed with myself lately. With my grades, my lack of motivation, my lack of progress in life and just how I've handled things in general. I want to be a better human being, but a huge part of me just wants to lay down until death takes me away. It sounds morbid, but it's true.

It's beyond laziness. I've always been lazy. "Why do now what you can put off tomorrow?" But now it has becoming something greater. It isn't because I'm lazy, it's because nothing matters anymore, and has now become "why do anything now when there isn't a point?" Sometimes motivation is found in things that excite you--studying hard for a test so you can pass so you can get your dream job! It will all be so exciting when you're living that good life from all your paid off work...right? But what if you don't care about that good life? What if you feel empty inside?

I've been trying to find joy but it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep. But that will be my daily goal for the summer or forever.

Catherine.

So the last time I posted was just a few days before your birthday.
It's amazing how much I take each day for granted. Will this be the last time you see a person? Talk to them? Tell them you love them? You never know.
I try too hard not to allow my life to become a constant stream of anger and regret. But regret was my initial reaction.
Why?
Why did I not find a way to come down earlier in February? Why did I not use everything in my power to see your face? Make you smile? Why did I assume our time together in this world was infinite? Why did I not carefully look at life expectancy and put that into consideration? Why did I not go into your hospital room one last time to tell you how much I loved you?
How?
How could this have happened again? All the pain I have ever thought I could feel was proven that I could hurt more. How could God take you away, knowing how weak our spirits are? How could you have left this world when you were the strongest person I've ever known?
Now what?
When I heard the news I couldn't stop asking, "what are we going to do?" I'm not entirely sure what I was asking. I wasn't sure if anyone had an answer. I wanted one, and quick. Looking only to a month ago what I really was asking was, "How are we supposed to go on living?"
I still don't know the answer to that question--or any of the questions I mentioned here. Cat would want us to go on living, this I know for sure. But I really do not know how.

I'm trying. I'm trying to show my loved ones that I'm still here. Sometimes the love you have for someone is so indescribable that the words alone are not enough. How can you fully express to someone that they are one of the chains in this world that keep the machine of your heart beating? When your heart stopped I thought mine did too. I would literally beat my own chest to keep it going...

The nightmares for the most part stopped. But they were to be expected. When my father passed I had dreams for months. Some good, but mostly bad. Love is a terrible, terrible thing.

I still don't know what to do. But I know what I will do. I will go on living, even if through the motions. I will find strength from somewhere to keep my heart beating. I refuse to let your memory perish with you. You are here with me in my heart, and I will keep that beautiful soul of yours for your daughter to see.