Catherine.

So the last time I posted was just a few days before your birthday.
It's amazing how much I take each day for granted. Will this be the last time you see a person? Talk to them? Tell them you love them? You never know.
I try too hard not to allow my life to become a constant stream of anger and regret. But regret was my initial reaction.
Why?
Why did I not find a way to come down earlier in February? Why did I not use everything in my power to see your face? Make you smile? Why did I assume our time together in this world was infinite? Why did I not carefully look at life expectancy and put that into consideration? Why did I not go into your hospital room one last time to tell you how much I loved you?
How?
How could this have happened again? All the pain I have ever thought I could feel was proven that I could hurt more. How could God take you away, knowing how weak our spirits are? How could you have left this world when you were the strongest person I've ever known?
Now what?
When I heard the news I couldn't stop asking, "what are we going to do?" I'm not entirely sure what I was asking. I wasn't sure if anyone had an answer. I wanted one, and quick. Looking only to a month ago what I really was asking was, "How are we supposed to go on living?"
I still don't know the answer to that question--or any of the questions I mentioned here. Cat would want us to go on living, this I know for sure. But I really do not know how.

I'm trying. I'm trying to show my loved ones that I'm still here. Sometimes the love you have for someone is so indescribable that the words alone are not enough. How can you fully express to someone that they are one of the chains in this world that keep the machine of your heart beating? When your heart stopped I thought mine did too. I would literally beat my own chest to keep it going...

The nightmares for the most part stopped. But they were to be expected. When my father passed I had dreams for months. Some good, but mostly bad. Love is a terrible, terrible thing.

I still don't know what to do. But I know what I will do. I will go on living, even if through the motions. I will find strength from somewhere to keep my heart beating. I refuse to let your memory perish with you. You are here with me in my heart, and I will keep that beautiful soul of yours for your daughter to see.