Writing and Junk

So I was told that writing would be really helpful for me. I wish I updated more often, but it's so hard to find time, and then dedicate that time to my blogs. But here I am. This post is going to be sloppy and all over the place. Usually I know what I want to talk about before I blog but today I'm just going to ramble about whatever comes to my mind first.

I could  be studying for exams, since they're all coming up next week, but my weekend really is just starting (in a way) and I have absolutely no motivation to start studying just yet. I actually have no motivation to really do anything, which is part of my problem. Even now, I'm convincing myself not to lay down just yet (as I had spent most of my day laying down--not even sleeping, just laying there) because I know that I won't want to get out of bed for a least two days.

As the semester comes to an end I cannot help but be so pleased that I won't have to be here anymore. When I went to use the bathroom earlier I had noticed a sign on the door, explaining that someone had stolen a TV from one of the lounges and now everyone in the building would be charged for it. I was so pissed. I don't care if they charge me even a nickle. I am not paying for someone else's stupidity. I really can't wait to be home. I know my mother will drive me insane as soon as I get back though. Also, I will miss this town. I really do love this town itself, but being here for school just makes things so...unpleasant. I also will miss my job greatly. I have never loved a job before the way I love my current one. My co-workers, the kids...I really like it all. I wish it was closer to home or that I lived closer so I could work here over the summer...I've actually considered finishing the kids school year at work (which means driving back and forth from Maryland) but I really think that's okay with me. I'll have to carefully consider all the pro's and con's first, though.

I was thinking earlier how this is my last semester in town and how no one came to visit me. I'm somewhat annoyed by it but eh, what can be done... Part of it truly was my own fault, this semester has been extremely busy and depressing and one event after another took away my free time. But part of it was not my fault. I asked multiple times for friends to come down and visit me as a group. Sure, I could do it while I don't live here anymore but honestly that makes things much more difficult. Besides, I wanted friends down here so that it would cheer me up during the school year. Next weekend I will be moving back to MD for good, so therefore this is my last weekend here. People suck.

Even if I invited people to come this weekend, I know they wouldn't for multiple reasons. One, being that I can never get people to listen or do a group activity without breaking my back.In fact, I just remembered one event on a side rant :

       I had wanted to have a girls night for so because it just seemed really fun to me. This was when myself and some other girl friends of mine had tried to make plans to hangout more often. Well, of course, me trying to implement plans fell through. My plan was to dress up, go to all the fun and cute shops downtown and then go to this restaurant that I wanted to try for a long time. The restaurant I've been to for lunch multiple times, but from that I've seen and what they've told me, the place expands at night and they have a whole new menu. I thought it would be fun and exciting to do with friends! But nope--I was ditched, and frankly annoyed by it that I decided to not hang out with them collectively as a group anymore. And honestly I haven't--which isn't surprising since I've had to plan it all. (They're still my friends of course--this sort of thing happens to me all the time when I try to plan shit).



ANYWAY. Another reason why they wouldn't come is because many of them have plans to go somewhere and see a speaker. This makes sense and I have no beef with that.
Buuuut if they didn't plan that they STILL wouldn't come because another speaker is going to be around and no one misses that. Ever.

UGHHHHH TO LIFE.

Also, I apologize. This is turning out to be more like a prolonged facebook post than a blog post which is gross and lame. I like how I tend to articulate my thoughts and feelings a little better here but I feel like I haven't been able to do that today.

I think the rant/typing is helping some...but I feel like I'm just reawakening a lot of anger I have, as the more I type the more I remember something that has pissed me off. I'm not sure if it's buried anger or what. I've also been really disappointed with myself lately. With my grades, my lack of motivation, my lack of progress in life and just how I've handled things in general. I want to be a better human being, but a huge part of me just wants to lay down until death takes me away. It sounds morbid, but it's true.

It's beyond laziness. I've always been lazy. "Why do now what you can put off tomorrow?" But now it has becoming something greater. It isn't because I'm lazy, it's because nothing matters anymore, and has now become "why do anything now when there isn't a point?" Sometimes motivation is found in things that excite you--studying hard for a test so you can pass so you can get your dream job! It will all be so exciting when you're living that good life from all your paid off work...right? But what if you don't care about that good life? What if you feel empty inside?

I've been trying to find joy but it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep. But that will be my daily goal for the summer or forever.