Sweet Baby Boy

Never in my life did I think I would have to attend the funeral of a child. Never ever in all of my being did I ever think I would have to attend the funeral of a baby. Now in the same year I have done both.

The death of Oliver haunted me in such a way that the passing of Logan seemed to be the worse kind of nightmare imaginable--like all my fears had manifested itself into reality. I can't even go into detail because even now, 3 months after Logan the heavy dark clouds continue to choke me.

The worst part is people asking me what's wrong or why I'm sad. In fact, less than a week later people were asking me what is wrong. Yet that is the question I have for everyone else. What is wrong with you? How could you think that I'm okay. Who in the world can heal that quickly?

Oliver was not my family. But it is amazing how much love I have and had for the kids from work. His family and I clicked so well. He was the same size as Eli and I am certain if they ever had had the opportunity to meet they would have been great friends.

Brandon is in fact one of my closets family members. The love he had/has for Logan was beyond anything you normally see. My cousin is a kind person who put of walls and a persona for years as being a hard ass. But his love for his son was so very gentle.

The world is cruel.

But as the end of 2017 approaching I still want to think positively. I really hope and pray for the girls from Oliver's family. I care for them so much. The oldest reminds me of my 12 year old self and I hope she finds great friendships in her life.

This year has been very weird too. As I have found what I can only describe as love, it baffles me and stresses me out too. I don't know how proper relationships work. I don't know how to share anything and everything with someone with complete trust and understanding. I've gone through so many years waiting for hurt and pain to be inflicted on me by people that trust was and is truly a recipe from scratch. But the love in my life has really helped me carry on when I felt that even physically my heart was completely broken.
I've lost dad, Cat, Toto, Grandma, Oliver and Logan. The list of my pains continue to grow. But even through the heart ache my blessings climb as well. Baby sister fills my heart with so much joy. Jamian's smile warms me up. Zack's hugs hold me together. All of my friends, my family, and my friends who have become family keep me strong in my weakest of moments. I just have to continue to reminds myself of this through all the tears.